My Name is David, and Im an Alcoholic

My name is David, and Im an alcoholic. As a Philosophy student and a Theologian I have spent many days and sleepless nights pondering the question, “Who am I”. Never before was the word “alcoholic” one that came leaping to mind. Never when I have been introduced anywhere, or included in my curriculum vitae has been, “Father David Martins, Alcoholic.” In recent weeks however, and now having come out of not only detox, but also rehab, I have faced the reality, that that is exactly what I am.

When I first came to terms with the fact that I am Gay, a large challenge was for me to remember that being gay was only a part of who I am, not who I am, or what I am. The same is true of my alcoholism. I suffer from a disease, the disease of addiction, but it is not all of who I am.

Over the years I can remember countless times sitting at a bar with a friend, and going drink for drink, and the next day the person would say to me, “Dave, do you think you have a problem?” I would always think, “What a hypocrite! If I had a problem, didn’t they too?

In hindsight its amazing how I defended and guarded this dirty secret of mine that I carried in my heart. I became friends with people who would readily join me in the campaign that I didn’t have a drinking problem, the other person did…they didn’t drink…that was their problem. I was always ready to point out, while belly up at a bar, how somebody else was “such a mess”. I even managed to develop a bond, made of liquor, among us faithful late night folks at the bar. Us few faithful disciples, who would even stay after the bar had closed and help clean, while earning a little shot before heading home. The reassurance we always maintained was that “at least I’m not as bad as so-and-so.”

This is how I know I am an addict, because I bought into all those comforting lies that addiction feeds us. I mastered the art of justifying my behavior. It didn’t effect my work, it didn’t effect the parish, it didn’t effect the work I was doing for Christ, so It couldn’t have been a problem. I would wind up at the end of the day sitting at a bar enjoying a “much deserved cocktail”. Was it a well deserved cocktail after a days work? Or was it really just getting back to the routine, now that I had gotten the details and responsibilities of daily life out of the way. I even remember as often as a few weeks ago that while going over my weekend budget, I was certain to make sure that Saturday night’s libations were included in my calculations, even at the risk of getting my phone shut off. After years of bartending every Saturday night, didn’t I deserve a Saturday night out on the town like everybody else?

You see these are the differences between me and everybody else, and my fellow drinkers along the way. I’m not like everyone else. I’m an alcoholic. My life had become unmanageable, because my drinking, and the resulting fog, and temperament had taken control. I suffer from a disease, a disease that has no cure, but plenty of treatment. It is only now, that I have admitted my problem, asked for help, and started to deal with it; this disease can become only a part of who I am, because until now, it was who I was, and I didn’t even realize it.

You see, I am not going to be that guy who can enjoy a glass of wine with diner, or a few beers with the guys on a Saturday night after a long week’s work. Instead I am a guy who will enjoy, I pray, a life of sobriety, because that’s what I, those who I’ve hurt, those souls entrusted to my care, and my liver, deserve. So yes, my name is David, and I’m an alcoholic. It’s time to take control of my life again, and turn it over to God so I can do his work, rather then expecting Him to pick up the pieces where I had failed. God came to a cold, lonely, broken stable in Bethlehem; this Christmas, I pray that He will find a welcome place in me, to help me rebuild this stable, and together, life can be manageable again.