Today is Ash Wednesday. The day that begins the season of Lent, as the Church Universal begins her 40 day walk towards Easter. Today Roman Catholics throughout the world will approach the altar of God, and a priest or designated minister, will trace the sign of the cross with ashes on the forehead of a penitent Church go-er. When this happens he will say "remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return." If not those exact words, something similar, something to remind the penitent that we have entered a season of sacrifice, and penance. The next 40 days in the Catholic Church are filled with penitent psalms, sedated liturgy, and music that reminds us of this somber attitude.
I hated Lent in Seminary. I remember thinking, "Sacrifice? What more can I POSSIBLY F*CKING SACRIFICE!" Never tell a celibate, Portuguese, gay man who has lost all his freedom that what he is doing isnt enough...or anyone for that matter? Isn't that one thing about us as persons that really can get us fired up really quickly? When someone says what we are doing isn't enough. When we are reprimanded for something by an employer, or a lover, or a friend, so often the response that we give is fuelled by this concept "What I'm doing isn't already enough??"
Certainly to be asked to make sacrifices these days is a ballsy request. Our economy has made so many sacrifices already for us. President Obama last night acknowledged the situation in an hour and a half address to the Congress and the Nation:
"I know that for many Americans watching right now, the state of our economy is a concern that rises above all others. And rightly so. If you haven’t been personally affected by this recession, you probably know someone who has – a friend; a neighbor; a member of your family. You don’t need to hear another list of statistics to know that our economy is in crisis, because you live it every day. It’s the worry you wake up with and the source of sleepless nights. It’s the job you thought you’d retire from but now have lost; the business you built your dreams upon that’s now hanging by a thread; the college acceptance letter your child had to put back in the envelope. The impact of this recession is real, and it is everywhere."
Indeed we are by no means lacking in the category of sacrifice. Certainly we must acknowledge the fact that while things may be difficult for us, there is always someone else out there for whom it is worse. That provides little comfort for us however, in this situation. I'm not worried about them, I'm worried about me, and that's what the season of Lent calls us to do. To stop, and to at least acknowledge someone else.
I know what I intend on doing for Lent, and I don't share them with anyone...I mean petty "Im giving this up for Lent" stuff I will, but there are countless small acts along the course of the next 40 days that I will try to do. They will pop up in the moment, and Ill do it. If nothing else those little acts give you a small boost when you do them. You feel good about yourself for a few minutes afterwards, and who out there doesn't need a little boost like that during the course of their day.
Lent is also a great time to evaluate and take stock. Look at where you are...are you happy? Are you happy in your relationships, your job, your career. Are you where you want to be? If not there are 40 days of Lent to inspire a change to be celebrated at Easter.
Certainly the President has done that, and left us with a message of hope for our nation's future, "We will rebuild, we will recover, and the United States of America will emerge stronger than before. The weight of this crisis will not determine the destiny of this nation. The answers to our problems don’t lie beyond our reach. They exist in our laboratories and universities; in our fields and our factories; in the imaginations of our entrepreneurs and the pride of the hardest-working people on Earth. Those qualities that have made America the greatest force of progress and prosperity in human history we still possess in ample measure. What is required now is for this country to pull together, confront boldly the challenges we face, and take responsibility for our future once more."
Plato tells us in his famous work The Republic, that society is "a macrocasim of a microcasm." In other words, essentially a society is the sum of it's parts. A reflection of the individuals that make it up. Therefore I take the Presidents words to heart. It is time for ME to boldly confront the challanges I face, and take responsibility for MY future. For all of us that means something different and I know what it means for me.
There are many things about being a Bartender that calls upon tools I learned in Seminary. One such thing is how I am blessed in my job to hear people bear a bit of their souls. After a few cocktails people tend to feel perfectly comfortable talking about alot of things. These things range from bragging about sexual conquests, to sharing their hopes and dreams. It's comforting to know that I am not the only one who isn't exactly where I want to be. The drive to continue to improve ourselves is a natural one...and the temptation to give up when we hit a roadblock is as well. The President's speach, Lent, and a little inward reflection however provides all the reminder we need to NOT give up. The President would agree;
"I know that it is easy to lose sight of this truth – to become cynical and doubtful; consumed with the petty and the trivial. But in my life, I have also learned that hope is found in unlikely places; that inspiration often comes not from those with the most power or celebrity, but from the dreams and aspirations of Americans who are anything but ordinary."
You and me, the everyday guy is just as important as anyone else in this tapestry we call life. So therefore our hopes and dreams are key in making that tapestry, making society itself, making America itself all that it can be. Society is a Macrocasim of a Microcasim. We the parts, are responsible for the outcome of the Sum. I am resonsible for my own happiness, success, and role in this great project.
So then essentially maybe I have to swallow some pride. Maybe I have to admitt that yes, David you are not doing enough. In so many aspects of life there is more that I have to do, harder that I have to work. I know what those details are in my life and they are different for us all. The reward is for this hard work is clear, "And if we do – if we come together and lift this nation from the depths of this crisis; if we put our people back to work and restart the engine of our prosperity; if we confront without fear the challenges of our time and summon that enduring spirit of an America that does not quit, then someday years from now our children can tell their children that this was the time when we performed, in the words that are carved into this very chamber, 'something worthy to be remembered.' "
Indeed Mr. President, pray God when talking about ME my children's children will say the same thing. That my life and work was truely, "something to be remembered."
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Relationships
Relationships....TV shows, and movies make millions off of this concept. Many a night at a bar with friends is often prompted by this same concept. Books, soap operas, music, poetry, and so many other forms of media are fueled by this basic human experienece that one of us can seem to get right.
As a bartender I see it all. There are your "serial daters". Individuals who date regularly. . Every other night they are in for dinner with a different guy. Then of course you have your hook ups, one nights stands, one time dates, ex's etc etc etc. The list goes on and on. Why is it though that we can't seem to get it right!??
Thanks to websites like Facebook and Myspace we can continue to stalk former flames after they have moved along. We've all done it. We've all sat at the computer and fumed because "so and so" left a comment on "so and so"'s page. We've all been careful to not leave comments ourselves on someones page so as to not piss of someone else. We have also all LEFT comments on someones page JUST TO piss someone off.
What is it about people that gets so under our skin? In other words, why is it that our feelings for a person manage to become such a driving force in choices that we make? How is it that we allow our romantic feelings for another human being consume us so much??
There is a natural part of us, that I believe is lacking. We have a natural void within our souls which can only be filled by the companionship of a partner. Thats the longing that makes single people hate Valentines day. Its the urge that makes us turn our heads when we see a hot guy (or girl depending on your deal) walk by us in the mall. Sure there is a sexual urge as well, but it burns much deeper then that. .and we all know it. We've all had those one night stands, those drunken club nights where we wake up in someone else's bed, or someone else wakes up in ours. Or you get that EMail at just the right time on manhunt, we've all hooked up, had tricks, or been the trick. As much as we would say that those encounters were meaningless, they really werent. If they were empty and meaningless, we wouldnt stalk them on myspace, or facebook. If they had no meaning we wouldn't get mad when we see them at a bar with someone else, or get mad when our friend hooks up with them, or talks to them. The bottom line is that sex has a natural, unavoidable emotional aspect that none of us can deny. This is also why we get so upset when we sleep with someone we like, but to them we were just a hook up...it hurts, it hurts badly. Even though we may not have known this person for long, or built up a relationship with them, we still gave them a part of ourselves...and although we may not want to admit it, that part of ourselves was more then a load.
Sex aside, the question remains, why is it that we mess up all the time? Why is it that we look back at relationships, or potential relationships and have such a heavy heart? Sometimes they just came along at the wrong time. Sometimes we were stupid and let an opportunity for happiness pass us by. Of course, sometimes it just didn't work out with a person for whatever reason.
I look back at the relationships Ive been in, and I must admit...I question some of my choices. There's the one's I ended that I shouldn't have, the possibilities I let slip by, and of course the ones who broke my heart. I can't help but remember the times that I really fell for someone who didn't want anything more then one night of fun, and of course when the shoe was on the other foot, and the other person thought that one night was going to amount to more.
Will we ever find happiness?? Will we ever meet that guy who is "the one". Who knows I guess. Is there just "one"? Is it possible that we could find happiness for the long haul with more then one person? Or is ancient poetry accurate when it talks about a soul mate?
I think that being a Spiritual man, I think that God has in mind one person for all of us. There is for each and every one of us that one person that he intends for us to be with. I also think that we can still spend our lives in happiness and love with someone other then that person. I cant help but notice that in the heterosexual world it's different. Boy meets girl on a subway, in the grocery store, at a bar, whatever...they fall in love and they get married, and start a family. Sometimes its that family that keeps them together when times get tough. They start a home, and a life as a familial unit.
The gay world is different. For the most part, we only meet at a bar/club, or off a website. Our relationships do not end up permenant. We do not have the option of getting married and starting a family, so when times get tough it falls apart. We don't have the presence of the feminine influence. We are men. Men are pigs....We, are pigs. It isn't easy at all.
So we continue through life and can't help but wonder. We never know when we may meet that special person, or if we ever do at all. In the meanwhile the restraunt, and bar industry benefits from our attempts at such a relationship. Who knows I guess in then end....maybe weve already let "the one" slip away, or maybe we haven't met him yet, or maybe Im just totally wrong about this whole thing, and men and women are perfectly natured to live thier lives alone. No matter what the case, dating continues...and for centuries more poetry, television, movies, and music will continue to be influenced by the human romantic ideals. Maybe its something worth holding onto. Maybe its a concept that should not be written off so quickly. Maybe, just maybe there is someone our there for all of us, and maybe...we will find them.
As a bartender I see it all. There are your "serial daters". Individuals who date regularly. . Every other night they are in for dinner with a different guy. Then of course you have your hook ups, one nights stands, one time dates, ex's etc etc etc. The list goes on and on. Why is it though that we can't seem to get it right!??
Thanks to websites like Facebook and Myspace we can continue to stalk former flames after they have moved along. We've all done it. We've all sat at the computer and fumed because "so and so" left a comment on "so and so"'s page. We've all been careful to not leave comments ourselves on someones page so as to not piss of someone else. We have also all LEFT comments on someones page JUST TO piss someone off.
What is it about people that gets so under our skin? In other words, why is it that our feelings for a person manage to become such a driving force in choices that we make? How is it that we allow our romantic feelings for another human being consume us so much??
There is a natural part of us, that I believe is lacking. We have a natural void within our souls which can only be filled by the companionship of a partner. Thats the longing that makes single people hate Valentines day. Its the urge that makes us turn our heads when we see a hot guy (or girl depending on your deal) walk by us in the mall. Sure there is a sexual urge as well, but it burns much deeper then that. .and we all know it. We've all had those one night stands, those drunken club nights where we wake up in someone else's bed, or someone else wakes up in ours. Or you get that EMail at just the right time on manhunt, we've all hooked up, had tricks, or been the trick. As much as we would say that those encounters were meaningless, they really werent. If they were empty and meaningless, we wouldnt stalk them on myspace, or facebook. If they had no meaning we wouldn't get mad when we see them at a bar with someone else, or get mad when our friend hooks up with them, or talks to them. The bottom line is that sex has a natural, unavoidable emotional aspect that none of us can deny. This is also why we get so upset when we sleep with someone we like, but to them we were just a hook up...it hurts, it hurts badly. Even though we may not have known this person for long, or built up a relationship with them, we still gave them a part of ourselves...and although we may not want to admit it, that part of ourselves was more then a load.
Sex aside, the question remains, why is it that we mess up all the time? Why is it that we look back at relationships, or potential relationships and have such a heavy heart? Sometimes they just came along at the wrong time. Sometimes we were stupid and let an opportunity for happiness pass us by. Of course, sometimes it just didn't work out with a person for whatever reason.
I look back at the relationships Ive been in, and I must admit...I question some of my choices. There's the one's I ended that I shouldn't have, the possibilities I let slip by, and of course the ones who broke my heart. I can't help but remember the times that I really fell for someone who didn't want anything more then one night of fun, and of course when the shoe was on the other foot, and the other person thought that one night was going to amount to more.
Will we ever find happiness?? Will we ever meet that guy who is "the one". Who knows I guess. Is there just "one"? Is it possible that we could find happiness for the long haul with more then one person? Or is ancient poetry accurate when it talks about a soul mate?
I think that being a Spiritual man, I think that God has in mind one person for all of us. There is for each and every one of us that one person that he intends for us to be with. I also think that we can still spend our lives in happiness and love with someone other then that person. I cant help but notice that in the heterosexual world it's different. Boy meets girl on a subway, in the grocery store, at a bar, whatever...they fall in love and they get married, and start a family. Sometimes its that family that keeps them together when times get tough. They start a home, and a life as a familial unit.
The gay world is different. For the most part, we only meet at a bar/club, or off a website. Our relationships do not end up permenant. We do not have the option of getting married and starting a family, so when times get tough it falls apart. We don't have the presence of the feminine influence. We are men. Men are pigs....We, are pigs. It isn't easy at all.
So we continue through life and can't help but wonder. We never know when we may meet that special person, or if we ever do at all. In the meanwhile the restraunt, and bar industry benefits from our attempts at such a relationship. Who knows I guess in then end....maybe weve already let "the one" slip away, or maybe we haven't met him yet, or maybe Im just totally wrong about this whole thing, and men and women are perfectly natured to live thier lives alone. No matter what the case, dating continues...and for centuries more poetry, television, movies, and music will continue to be influenced by the human romantic ideals. Maybe its something worth holding onto. Maybe its a concept that should not be written off so quickly. Maybe, just maybe there is someone our there for all of us, and maybe...we will find them.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Answering the Call
The recent birth of my blog has drawn a number of readers so far, and also a number of questions, the primary one being about my involvement in the Seminary. So I thought I would share a bit about that. To understand why I left it may be best to start with why I entered.
I grew up in Tiverton RI, a small town where it doesn't take much scandel to launch excitement. I certainly was not the most popular kid in my class, and considered my self grateful for the small gaggle of friends I did manage to have. Growing up in a big house on a busy street, with no kids around I spent alot of my free time alone. Playing with GI Joe action figures, drawing, or playing alone. I had a very active imagination, and never felt lonely.
Upon entering High School we were quite the lot. There was myself, dorky, glasses, generic clothes, no athletic talent, and a very creative side. And my small group of friends were considered quite "cool". They were all members of other cliques as well which sat in various places on the Teenage social ladder. At this time a new priest was assigned to my home parish. Father Bert Richman. He was an amazing man. One of the smartest people Ive ever met, and a wonderful and happy priest. I spent a large part of my free time with him, helping around the parish.
I always was curious about the life of a priest. There was something about his position on the alter that always intruiged me. As I got to know the dialy life of a priest I decieded that this was a direction I wanted to move in. Being someone who rarely felt as though I fit in, at Church I always felt like I fit in, and as my leadership role at the parish grew not only did I fit in...I was "cool" in that environment.
Upon graduating from High School I started the Seminary program, and with it, a long process of looking inside. The Priestly Formation program placed the candidate in a fishbowl. Every aspect of his life is evaluated by superiors to try to determine if in fact God was "Calling you" to His Priesthood. The more I looked in the more I started to feel that He was. There were many roadblocks. Some of which were a result of my own immaturity, others by the nature of a Beurocratic system that exsisted out of neccessity. When times were tough trusted priest friends advised me with their Spirituality of suffering. The more we suffer for the Lord, the more we share in His sacrifice of the cross. I began intiate friendships, some of which remain today, and lived a celibate life. The further I went in college, the more I began to feel that this road to the priesthood was more of a fight then a journey.
Grad school came in 2003, and I was assigned to the last place in the world I wanted to go, and by now the roadblocks were seemingly so many. Between my Senior year and the begining of grad school my drive for celibacy weakened. The tug of my homosexuality began to get harder and harder, but all the while when sitting in chapel...I still felt like I belonged. My one year of grad school was an academic success, but the formation roadblocks became insurmountable. The caddy political nonsense became worse, and my passion for the priesthood began to turn into a hatred for the formation system. All the while however the fulfillment I was feeling was in my work at the parish. My role as a Spiritual leader meant alot to me, as did the difference I was making in thier lives and the life of the Parish.
By the end of that academic year I went to my assignment in Omaha NE for the summer. My heart was starting to leave seminary, and my mind started to wonder what else was out there. All my friends were either priests or seminarians, and every single aspect of my life, every conversation, everything was all rooted in my studies for the priesthood. I wanted out.
While in Omaha I found my way to a local gay bar, and began to develop a relationship with the bartender...and his friends. I intentionally kept the truth from them, including my name. The gift those guys gave me was one they will never know. For the first time I was socializing with friends who had nothing to do with the seminary or the priesthood. We were having conversations about sports, politics, "gay gossip", or other secular topics. I also started to really fall for the bartender, with whom I was now spending all of my time, and who by now finally knew the truth. I finally decieded that I was going to for certain leave the seminary. The Seminary faculty began poking around a bit, curious as to why I was never around. The speculation was limitless, as it typically went in seminary. It seemed that everyone was guilty until proven innoccent. When I informed the rector in Omaha that I intended to leave once returning home, my stay in Omaha was brought to a hault, and a flight was booked for me two days later to return home.
After being dropped off at the airport to come home to Providence, I met the Bartender at the airport cafe for breakfast before leaving. The goodbye was emotional for me, as he would never know (nor did I realize then), the gift that he gave me while I was there. I came home scared. I had to face the dissappointment of priest friends, seminary friends, an entire parish, my family, and anyone else who had either been supporting me along the way, or who's life I had touched.
Was God calling me to the Priesthood? I think He was. I think that I made a choice to leave because of a severly flawed system. I shouldn't have entered at 18, I needed to live life a little bit. Today that dream of serving the Church as a priest is a distant memory. The nostalgia gets to me when Im at Church, and to some degree I suppose it always will. The fulfillment I got in the parish is certainly missing now, and it has been difficult to figure out a way to fill it.
What other effects are left over from this experience? I grew up alot. I learned alot about myself. I developed a spiritual side that I treasure today, and that I often tend to turn to in times of loneliness, or sadness. The challange I feel before me now is how to bring all of this to the world, and to my life in general. My friends have often commented that I am a very "unique" friend...I think that these experiences contribute to that.
I will always love the Church and my God, I will until the day I die...at which time I pray the Lord will welcome me into His arms. For all of us life is a Journey. Everyday we make choices that will effect the rest of our lives, whether we realize it or not. These choices, woven together, are what create the tapestry that is our lives. All of us, on the last day, will have our own unique tapestry, each with it's own unique personal value. That's why we stress about the big choices in life, that's why we fight with things like regret, and passion, and love...because we want to hold a tapestry that is of great value. Pray God, each and every one of us will!!
I grew up in Tiverton RI, a small town where it doesn't take much scandel to launch excitement. I certainly was not the most popular kid in my class, and considered my self grateful for the small gaggle of friends I did manage to have. Growing up in a big house on a busy street, with no kids around I spent alot of my free time alone. Playing with GI Joe action figures, drawing, or playing alone. I had a very active imagination, and never felt lonely.
Upon entering High School we were quite the lot. There was myself, dorky, glasses, generic clothes, no athletic talent, and a very creative side. And my small group of friends were considered quite "cool". They were all members of other cliques as well which sat in various places on the Teenage social ladder. At this time a new priest was assigned to my home parish. Father Bert Richman. He was an amazing man. One of the smartest people Ive ever met, and a wonderful and happy priest. I spent a large part of my free time with him, helping around the parish.
I always was curious about the life of a priest. There was something about his position on the alter that always intruiged me. As I got to know the dialy life of a priest I decieded that this was a direction I wanted to move in. Being someone who rarely felt as though I fit in, at Church I always felt like I fit in, and as my leadership role at the parish grew not only did I fit in...I was "cool" in that environment.
Upon graduating from High School I started the Seminary program, and with it, a long process of looking inside. The Priestly Formation program placed the candidate in a fishbowl. Every aspect of his life is evaluated by superiors to try to determine if in fact God was "Calling you" to His Priesthood. The more I looked in the more I started to feel that He was. There were many roadblocks. Some of which were a result of my own immaturity, others by the nature of a Beurocratic system that exsisted out of neccessity. When times were tough trusted priest friends advised me with their Spirituality of suffering. The more we suffer for the Lord, the more we share in His sacrifice of the cross. I began intiate friendships, some of which remain today, and lived a celibate life. The further I went in college, the more I began to feel that this road to the priesthood was more of a fight then a journey.
Grad school came in 2003, and I was assigned to the last place in the world I wanted to go, and by now the roadblocks were seemingly so many. Between my Senior year and the begining of grad school my drive for celibacy weakened. The tug of my homosexuality began to get harder and harder, but all the while when sitting in chapel...I still felt like I belonged. My one year of grad school was an academic success, but the formation roadblocks became insurmountable. The caddy political nonsense became worse, and my passion for the priesthood began to turn into a hatred for the formation system. All the while however the fulfillment I was feeling was in my work at the parish. My role as a Spiritual leader meant alot to me, as did the difference I was making in thier lives and the life of the Parish.
By the end of that academic year I went to my assignment in Omaha NE for the summer. My heart was starting to leave seminary, and my mind started to wonder what else was out there. All my friends were either priests or seminarians, and every single aspect of my life, every conversation, everything was all rooted in my studies for the priesthood. I wanted out.
While in Omaha I found my way to a local gay bar, and began to develop a relationship with the bartender...and his friends. I intentionally kept the truth from them, including my name. The gift those guys gave me was one they will never know. For the first time I was socializing with friends who had nothing to do with the seminary or the priesthood. We were having conversations about sports, politics, "gay gossip", or other secular topics. I also started to really fall for the bartender, with whom I was now spending all of my time, and who by now finally knew the truth. I finally decieded that I was going to for certain leave the seminary. The Seminary faculty began poking around a bit, curious as to why I was never around. The speculation was limitless, as it typically went in seminary. It seemed that everyone was guilty until proven innoccent. When I informed the rector in Omaha that I intended to leave once returning home, my stay in Omaha was brought to a hault, and a flight was booked for me two days later to return home.
After being dropped off at the airport to come home to Providence, I met the Bartender at the airport cafe for breakfast before leaving. The goodbye was emotional for me, as he would never know (nor did I realize then), the gift that he gave me while I was there. I came home scared. I had to face the dissappointment of priest friends, seminary friends, an entire parish, my family, and anyone else who had either been supporting me along the way, or who's life I had touched.
Was God calling me to the Priesthood? I think He was. I think that I made a choice to leave because of a severly flawed system. I shouldn't have entered at 18, I needed to live life a little bit. Today that dream of serving the Church as a priest is a distant memory. The nostalgia gets to me when Im at Church, and to some degree I suppose it always will. The fulfillment I got in the parish is certainly missing now, and it has been difficult to figure out a way to fill it.
What other effects are left over from this experience? I grew up alot. I learned alot about myself. I developed a spiritual side that I treasure today, and that I often tend to turn to in times of loneliness, or sadness. The challange I feel before me now is how to bring all of this to the world, and to my life in general. My friends have often commented that I am a very "unique" friend...I think that these experiences contribute to that.
I will always love the Church and my God, I will until the day I die...at which time I pray the Lord will welcome me into His arms. For all of us life is a Journey. Everyday we make choices that will effect the rest of our lives, whether we realize it or not. These choices, woven together, are what create the tapestry that is our lives. All of us, on the last day, will have our own unique tapestry, each with it's own unique personal value. That's why we stress about the big choices in life, that's why we fight with things like regret, and passion, and love...because we want to hold a tapestry that is of great value. Pray God, each and every one of us will!!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
A Struggle With Faith
I have heard the saying before that we should never have regrets because at one time or another whatever it is that we regret - was exactly what we wanted. While this makes sense....we still have regrets...some of us more then others. Maybe regret is a strong word.....we have....second guesses. We reach a point in our lives and wonder if a choice that we made was the right one or the wrong one. Sometimes we have days where we dwell on these choices.
One such choice for me is my decision to leave the seminary. Every Saturday night I go to Mass at 4 o'clock at the Franciscan Chapel downtown. Every saturday at about 4:30 I wonder if I made the right choice in leaving seminary. I can;t help but sit there and realize that had I stayed, today I would be a priest. I think about how different my life would be. I essentially would not be the person that I am today.
Sometimes I think about relationships that have come and gone...or I should say the relationships that have come and gone....and yet somehow stayed. I think about how some people got a chunk of my heart and for whatever reason I cant let them go. How do we let people do this to us? Or I should say how do I let people do this to me...From friendships that fell apart, to lovers who no longer grace our beds with thier presence, or our lips with their kiss. In my life it seems like there are so many loose ends. So many things left unsaid, so many sentiments left un-expressed that I will perhaps take to my grave buried deep in my heart.
Certainly we all have such feelings, such thoughts. Certainly the most important lesson we can learn in life is that in a way our best teacher is ourselves. We learn from our mistakes, from our stupid choices, and try to make the best of life. It struck me as I was leaving Mass this weekend...I sat there and begged God to answer so many prayers, and as I looked around I saw the faces of so many fellow faithful believers. Across the globe people sit everyday in faith and beg an unseen God to save them from their misery, to lighten their load, to extend even the slightest ray of grace into their lives. And why not??? It's only fair, this mystterious unseen God is the one who put us in this predicament to begin with...it's only fair that He extend a helping hand once in a while. Or that He drop a clue as to what the answer is. It's only fair that we expect Him to give us a hint as to how we would be best suited to live our lives, what He expects of us. It's only fair for us to expect that He will open the doors for us that need to be opened, or that He will have the decency to provide us with the means to improve our lives.
One would naturally then wonder too, why would He allow so many un-said sentiments, so many second guesses, and so many temptations to regret. Why does He make life so damn difficult. Some Philosophers over time have answered this question by saying that what makes it so difficult is that we are living life under the presumption that such a Diety even exists to begin with. That I cannot except. This is because He does make Himself known on occassion. For example I cannot tell you how many times I have NEEDED something, and He provided - but not an inch more. For example, the time I was dead broke, and needed to make 87 dollars to have my phone turned back on, don't you know that night at work I made EXACTLY 87 dollars. In moments of desperation He has provided the comfort I needed to get through THAT situation, and not an ounce of extra hope.
Thankfully I have been blessed with many friends who have been so good to me, weather it be providing a kind word, a listening ear, a roof over my head, a drink (lol), or just the good and happy memories of time shared together. All of this however does not satisfy that longing for more, that natural longing that we all have. Nor does it quench the frustration that comes with that longing. It doesn't heal the anger felt towards those who had a moral obligation to love us but didn't. t doesn't heal the pain that we feel when we let someone in, when we let someone love us and then we are rejected. It doesn't heal the frustration over opportunities for love, or success, or happiness that we rejected.
It is said that Love is "giving someone the ABILITY to destroy you, but trusting them not to." A truer thing has never been said. That is somewhat the definition of Faith too. That's why it hurts so much when we TRUELY love someone, and it is not mutual, or when we get screwed over at work, or when things don't work out the way we want. That's why we get that feeling in the pit of our stomaches when we get a rejection letter from a job we really wanted. That's why when a family member insults us, it burns so deep inside. That's why we have a crises in faith when God seemingly doesn't answer our prayers...or worse yet when He DOES answer our prayers, but the answer is "no". Whenever anything in our lives involve passion we fall into those words that define Love. Weather it be relationships, family, work, careers, anything....Anytime we have any kind of passion towards something we give it the ABILITY to destroy us, but we trust it not to. Then, once it has destroyed us, the doubt comes, the regret, etc etc.
Philosophers for centuries have asked this very same question, but we move forward with hope and faith, both in God, and in ourselves. Hope and faith that someday we will get it right. The life of faith is one filled with despair in so many ways. Saint Teresa of Avila once said of God, "If this is how you treat all your friends, it's no wonder you have so few of them." Maybe a relationship with God is just like relationships here on Earth. There are people in our lives who for whatever reason we love more then words can ever express.....and we continue to love them because we know deep down inside that someday everything will work out as it should, and all the questions will be answered. All the doubt will be reconciled. All the unsaid things will be said. All the un-expressed sentiments will be expressed.
So much of our lives is based on hope. Hope being that blind, unproven, unseen trust that things will fall into place. We have hope that the economy will improve, that our lives will someday reach the goals we have set for ourselves, and so forth and so on. It's just that somedays we get tired of waiting.
One such choice for me is my decision to leave the seminary. Every Saturday night I go to Mass at 4 o'clock at the Franciscan Chapel downtown. Every saturday at about 4:30 I wonder if I made the right choice in leaving seminary. I can;t help but sit there and realize that had I stayed, today I would be a priest. I think about how different my life would be. I essentially would not be the person that I am today.
Sometimes I think about relationships that have come and gone...or I should say the relationships that have come and gone....and yet somehow stayed. I think about how some people got a chunk of my heart and for whatever reason I cant let them go. How do we let people do this to us? Or I should say how do I let people do this to me...From friendships that fell apart, to lovers who no longer grace our beds with thier presence, or our lips with their kiss. In my life it seems like there are so many loose ends. So many things left unsaid, so many sentiments left un-expressed that I will perhaps take to my grave buried deep in my heart.
Certainly we all have such feelings, such thoughts. Certainly the most important lesson we can learn in life is that in a way our best teacher is ourselves. We learn from our mistakes, from our stupid choices, and try to make the best of life. It struck me as I was leaving Mass this weekend...I sat there and begged God to answer so many prayers, and as I looked around I saw the faces of so many fellow faithful believers. Across the globe people sit everyday in faith and beg an unseen God to save them from their misery, to lighten their load, to extend even the slightest ray of grace into their lives. And why not??? It's only fair, this mystterious unseen God is the one who put us in this predicament to begin with...it's only fair that He extend a helping hand once in a while. Or that He drop a clue as to what the answer is. It's only fair that we expect Him to give us a hint as to how we would be best suited to live our lives, what He expects of us. It's only fair for us to expect that He will open the doors for us that need to be opened, or that He will have the decency to provide us with the means to improve our lives.
One would naturally then wonder too, why would He allow so many un-said sentiments, so many second guesses, and so many temptations to regret. Why does He make life so damn difficult. Some Philosophers over time have answered this question by saying that what makes it so difficult is that we are living life under the presumption that such a Diety even exists to begin with. That I cannot except. This is because He does make Himself known on occassion. For example I cannot tell you how many times I have NEEDED something, and He provided - but not an inch more. For example, the time I was dead broke, and needed to make 87 dollars to have my phone turned back on, don't you know that night at work I made EXACTLY 87 dollars. In moments of desperation He has provided the comfort I needed to get through THAT situation, and not an ounce of extra hope.
Thankfully I have been blessed with many friends who have been so good to me, weather it be providing a kind word, a listening ear, a roof over my head, a drink (lol), or just the good and happy memories of time shared together. All of this however does not satisfy that longing for more, that natural longing that we all have. Nor does it quench the frustration that comes with that longing. It doesn't heal the anger felt towards those who had a moral obligation to love us but didn't. t doesn't heal the pain that we feel when we let someone in, when we let someone love us and then we are rejected. It doesn't heal the frustration over opportunities for love, or success, or happiness that we rejected.
It is said that Love is "giving someone the ABILITY to destroy you, but trusting them not to." A truer thing has never been said. That is somewhat the definition of Faith too. That's why it hurts so much when we TRUELY love someone, and it is not mutual, or when we get screwed over at work, or when things don't work out the way we want. That's why we get that feeling in the pit of our stomaches when we get a rejection letter from a job we really wanted. That's why when a family member insults us, it burns so deep inside. That's why we have a crises in faith when God seemingly doesn't answer our prayers...or worse yet when He DOES answer our prayers, but the answer is "no". Whenever anything in our lives involve passion we fall into those words that define Love. Weather it be relationships, family, work, careers, anything....Anytime we have any kind of passion towards something we give it the ABILITY to destroy us, but we trust it not to. Then, once it has destroyed us, the doubt comes, the regret, etc etc.
Philosophers for centuries have asked this very same question, but we move forward with hope and faith, both in God, and in ourselves. Hope and faith that someday we will get it right. The life of faith is one filled with despair in so many ways. Saint Teresa of Avila once said of God, "If this is how you treat all your friends, it's no wonder you have so few of them." Maybe a relationship with God is just like relationships here on Earth. There are people in our lives who for whatever reason we love more then words can ever express.....and we continue to love them because we know deep down inside that someday everything will work out as it should, and all the questions will be answered. All the doubt will be reconciled. All the unsaid things will be said. All the un-expressed sentiments will be expressed.
So much of our lives is based on hope. Hope being that blind, unproven, unseen trust that things will fall into place. We have hope that the economy will improve, that our lives will someday reach the goals we have set for ourselves, and so forth and so on. It's just that somedays we get tired of waiting.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day. It's a day that so many people detest. Sometime's they are only kidding, but sometimes they are quite serious, while hiding it beneath the veil of humor. No one wants to spend their whole life alone, but some of us arent neccessarily "looking" for that partner either, we just live our days open to the possibility.
Saint Valentine, the priest after whom today is named, had been sentenced to death for marrying young lovers in secret, in a land where the catholic faith was underground. He was jailed next door to a woman, who found the love of God through Valentine and his ministry. On the day of his execution, Valentine left her a goodbye note, which he signed "Your, Valentine". The Feast was established by Pope Gelasius I, in 496 AD. In describing Valentine he said that he was among those "... whose names are justly reverenced among men, but whose acts are known only to God."
How appropriate. Isn't that a good way to define love? There are those people in our lives who we "name" as people we "love". Weather they be friends, lovers, partners, family, or whatever role they play. But siting them as people we love doesn't cut it, it's the ACTS that make it love, and often it's those acts that are known only to God. the sacrifices that we make for them, the hidden actions that the loved one will never know.
The love of God for us is reflected in our love for one another, which is an ontological reality that transcends race or creed, gay or straight, religion, or anything else. It's a reality that we all share weather we are partnered or single. Valentine's day is everyone's day because it's not about candy and flowers, or hallmark cards, or fancy dinners. It's about the sacrifice of a man in the name of God's love, which he shared with others. After all, this now famous "day for lovers" is named after a man who lived a life of sworn celibacy.
Saint Valentine, the priest after whom today is named, had been sentenced to death for marrying young lovers in secret, in a land where the catholic faith was underground. He was jailed next door to a woman, who found the love of God through Valentine and his ministry. On the day of his execution, Valentine left her a goodbye note, which he signed "Your, Valentine". The Feast was established by Pope Gelasius I, in 496 AD. In describing Valentine he said that he was among those "... whose names are justly reverenced among men, but whose acts are known only to God."
How appropriate. Isn't that a good way to define love? There are those people in our lives who we "name" as people we "love". Weather they be friends, lovers, partners, family, or whatever role they play. But siting them as people we love doesn't cut it, it's the ACTS that make it love, and often it's those acts that are known only to God. the sacrifices that we make for them, the hidden actions that the loved one will never know.
The love of God for us is reflected in our love for one another, which is an ontological reality that transcends race or creed, gay or straight, religion, or anything else. It's a reality that we all share weather we are partnered or single. Valentine's day is everyone's day because it's not about candy and flowers, or hallmark cards, or fancy dinners. It's about the sacrifice of a man in the name of God's love, which he shared with others. After all, this now famous "day for lovers" is named after a man who lived a life of sworn celibacy.
YES WE CAN
This is re-posted from MySpace from The morning after Election Day...I wanted to post something to get this page up and running.....
__________________________________________________________
Last night at about 11:00pm, a nation celebrated the election of a new president. As a bartender I sat through the night watching as a bar full of hope-filled Americans sat listening and watching as state after state closed polling stations, and watched as the results flowed in. The majority of the customers at my bar celebrated a victory, as the candidate whom they favored won the seat behind the big desk in the Oval Office.
He mentioned the voter from Alabama, Ann Nixon Cooper, who was 106 years old. Our new President reminded us of the life she has lived. The battles she has witnessed. From her inability to vote due to her gender, and her color, the age of the depression, the passing of the "New Deal", the growth of science, the growth of the space program, and so many more developments which brought her to this day in the voting booth. To quote the President-elect...
"And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can. "
Amazing. A woman who went from barely being acknowledged as a citizen, to stepping into a voting booth, and hitting a touch screen computer to vote for her next President....who in fact is the same color as she, something she never would have dreamed imaginable as she drank from a different water fountain then her classmates almost a century ago.
President-elect Obama's speech last night talked about the growth and realization of the American dream. A dream for all of us, as he put it : "young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled - Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America."
Last night's election is a reminder that we have many dreams. We all do. We all carry dreams that sometimes we feel may go un-achieved. Weather it be dreams about love, life, careers, personal growth, happiness, and the list goes on and on. Each one of us lives each day hoping that one of these dreams come true. The energy from last night's events renews our hope that one day those dreams will in fact come to fruition.
Watching Senator McCain give his concession speech last night made me think back to my final days of Seminary. The last time I processed down the isle of Blessed Sacrament Church, I remember approaching the back doors of the Church thinking "Oh my God, what comes now?" The uncertainty of what lay ahead made me so scared, words cannot express it. The mocking jaunts of people at the bar towards McCain and his loss reminded me how critical we can be as people. No one I know will ever have the honor of giving a concession speech to the entire nation. And by the way...it IS an honor, to be able to make it that close to achieving not just a personal dream, but an accomplishment so significant...that it will be recorded in the annals of history. That was the one comfort I took that day of my life at the end of my Seminary career, that although I didn't finish and achieve my goal/dream....I made it damn closer then a whole lot of other people ever do...and all it meant was that it wasn't what the Lord had in store for me, and I just have to be patient until I discover what it is that He does have in the cards for me.
Maybe I will get to be the next Ann Nixon Cooper, who gets to watch a generation of history unfold before my very eyes. A commercial yesterday promoting the Presidential Campaign included various clips of presidential quotes from throughout history. Among these was Reagan's historical words in 1987, "General Secretary Gorbachev, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe, if you seek liberalization: Come here to this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall! "
So many historical quotes from various figures throughout time ring out the sounds of hope. Reagan's speech was delivered to the citizens of West Berlin but was audible to those on the Eastern side as well. That wall today is a historical site, visited by countless people every year, many of whom are my generation and are too young to remember this day, and the historical significance it held. and we certainly are too young to understand the hopes and dreams that were unleashed by the wall's collapse.
Ann Nixon Cooper never thought she would be able to vote, let alone see a black man become her next president. She never thought there would be an end to segregation. The people of Berlin never thought they would see that wall crumble. Americans never dreamed they would set foot on the moon.
The growth we have achieved in all these areas teaches a time honored lesson, that nothing is impossible. We know that sacrifice is part of achieving dreams. Throughout history, no major victory was achieved without sacrifice. We see that in almost any given historical achievement. The same is true in our own lives. The Election, and the President-Elect's zealous speech should encourage all of us in our own personal lives to not give up on our dreams. I think I'm speaking in many ways to myself in this blog....we cannot give up on ourselves.
President Reagan was scheduled to deliver his State of the Union address in 1986, but hours before he was to go on the air the Challenger disaster happened, taking the lives of 7 astronauts. Of these men and women he said; "There's a coincidence today. On this day 390 years ago, the great explorer Sir Francis Drake died aboard ship off the coast of Panama. In his lifetime the great frontiers were the oceans, and a historian later said, "He lived by the sea, died on it, and was buried in it." Well, today we can say of the Challenger crew: Their dedication was, like Drake's, complete."
No achievement is without sacrifice. Maybe that's what is holding us back from reaching our dreams. Maybe that's why our Berlin Walls haven't fallen, or why we haven't yet set foot on our own personal "moon". We haven't made the necessary sacrifices, or taken the necessary risks.
As a child I had a fascination with President Kennedy, going back to a project I did while in Grammar School. One of my favorite quotes from the late President was from a speech he gave regarding the "Space Race" at Rice University.....
"But why, some say, the moon? Why choose this as our goal? And they may well ask why climb the highest mountain? Why, 35 years ago, fly the Atlantic? Why does Rice play Texas? We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too."
The strides that we made during this period of history....the fall of segregation, the beginnings of space travel, the further liberation in the women's movement, were all ultimately possible due to the spirit of the individuals that were alive during this time frame.
Plato's Republic was an attempt to show that a society is essentially a machro-casim of a micro-casim...in other words a society is built by individuals. A society will not grow, will not have passion, take risks, make sacrifices, and achieve their goals, if the individuals who comprise it do not have that very same spirit in their own lives. May we take President-elect Obama's words out into our own lives. May we make the changes we need to make to grow, and achieve our goals. "Be not afraid!" as Pope John Paul II asserted in his famous speech in the late 90's to the world's youth. Let us not be afraid of our own shadows, and grow the balls to take the steps towards reaching our personal heights, so that someday....as a nation.....we can do the same thing.
More simply put...yes, President - Elect Obama, yes we can!
__________________________________________________________
Last night at about 11:00pm, a nation celebrated the election of a new president. As a bartender I sat through the night watching as a bar full of hope-filled Americans sat listening and watching as state after state closed polling stations, and watched as the results flowed in. The majority of the customers at my bar celebrated a victory, as the candidate whom they favored won the seat behind the big desk in the Oval Office.
He mentioned the voter from Alabama, Ann Nixon Cooper, who was 106 years old. Our new President reminded us of the life she has lived. The battles she has witnessed. From her inability to vote due to her gender, and her color, the age of the depression, the passing of the "New Deal", the growth of science, the growth of the space program, and so many more developments which brought her to this day in the voting booth. To quote the President-elect...
"And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can. "
Amazing. A woman who went from barely being acknowledged as a citizen, to stepping into a voting booth, and hitting a touch screen computer to vote for her next President....who in fact is the same color as she, something she never would have dreamed imaginable as she drank from a different water fountain then her classmates almost a century ago.
President-elect Obama's speech last night talked about the growth and realization of the American dream. A dream for all of us, as he put it : "young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled - Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America."
Last night's election is a reminder that we have many dreams. We all do. We all carry dreams that sometimes we feel may go un-achieved. Weather it be dreams about love, life, careers, personal growth, happiness, and the list goes on and on. Each one of us lives each day hoping that one of these dreams come true. The energy from last night's events renews our hope that one day those dreams will in fact come to fruition.
Watching Senator McCain give his concession speech last night made me think back to my final days of Seminary. The last time I processed down the isle of Blessed Sacrament Church, I remember approaching the back doors of the Church thinking "Oh my God, what comes now?" The uncertainty of what lay ahead made me so scared, words cannot express it. The mocking jaunts of people at the bar towards McCain and his loss reminded me how critical we can be as people. No one I know will ever have the honor of giving a concession speech to the entire nation. And by the way...it IS an honor, to be able to make it that close to achieving not just a personal dream, but an accomplishment so significant...that it will be recorded in the annals of history. That was the one comfort I took that day of my life at the end of my Seminary career, that although I didn't finish and achieve my goal/dream....I made it damn closer then a whole lot of other people ever do...and all it meant was that it wasn't what the Lord had in store for me, and I just have to be patient until I discover what it is that He does have in the cards for me.
Maybe I will get to be the next Ann Nixon Cooper, who gets to watch a generation of history unfold before my very eyes. A commercial yesterday promoting the Presidential Campaign included various clips of presidential quotes from throughout history. Among these was Reagan's historical words in 1987, "General Secretary Gorbachev, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe, if you seek liberalization: Come here to this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall! "
So many historical quotes from various figures throughout time ring out the sounds of hope. Reagan's speech was delivered to the citizens of West Berlin but was audible to those on the Eastern side as well. That wall today is a historical site, visited by countless people every year, many of whom are my generation and are too young to remember this day, and the historical significance it held. and we certainly are too young to understand the hopes and dreams that were unleashed by the wall's collapse.
Ann Nixon Cooper never thought she would be able to vote, let alone see a black man become her next president. She never thought there would be an end to segregation. The people of Berlin never thought they would see that wall crumble. Americans never dreamed they would set foot on the moon.
The growth we have achieved in all these areas teaches a time honored lesson, that nothing is impossible. We know that sacrifice is part of achieving dreams. Throughout history, no major victory was achieved without sacrifice. We see that in almost any given historical achievement. The same is true in our own lives. The Election, and the President-Elect's zealous speech should encourage all of us in our own personal lives to not give up on our dreams. I think I'm speaking in many ways to myself in this blog....we cannot give up on ourselves.
President Reagan was scheduled to deliver his State of the Union address in 1986, but hours before he was to go on the air the Challenger disaster happened, taking the lives of 7 astronauts. Of these men and women he said; "There's a coincidence today. On this day 390 years ago, the great explorer Sir Francis Drake died aboard ship off the coast of Panama. In his lifetime the great frontiers were the oceans, and a historian later said, "He lived by the sea, died on it, and was buried in it." Well, today we can say of the Challenger crew: Their dedication was, like Drake's, complete."
No achievement is without sacrifice. Maybe that's what is holding us back from reaching our dreams. Maybe that's why our Berlin Walls haven't fallen, or why we haven't yet set foot on our own personal "moon". We haven't made the necessary sacrifices, or taken the necessary risks.
As a child I had a fascination with President Kennedy, going back to a project I did while in Grammar School. One of my favorite quotes from the late President was from a speech he gave regarding the "Space Race" at Rice University.....
"But why, some say, the moon? Why choose this as our goal? And they may well ask why climb the highest mountain? Why, 35 years ago, fly the Atlantic? Why does Rice play Texas? We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too."
The strides that we made during this period of history....the fall of segregation, the beginnings of space travel, the further liberation in the women's movement, were all ultimately possible due to the spirit of the individuals that were alive during this time frame.
Plato's Republic was an attempt to show that a society is essentially a machro-casim of a micro-casim...in other words a society is built by individuals. A society will not grow, will not have passion, take risks, make sacrifices, and achieve their goals, if the individuals who comprise it do not have that very same spirit in their own lives. May we take President-elect Obama's words out into our own lives. May we make the changes we need to make to grow, and achieve our goals. "Be not afraid!" as Pope John Paul II asserted in his famous speech in the late 90's to the world's youth. Let us not be afraid of our own shadows, and grow the balls to take the steps towards reaching our personal heights, so that someday....as a nation.....we can do the same thing.
More simply put...yes, President - Elect Obama, yes we can!
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