Today

Bishop Tobin of the Diocese of Providence has a regular article that runs in the Rhode Island Catholic Newspaper. While I typically find his thoughts to be two dimentional, and self serving, I found one in the archives from the day that plane landed in the Hudson River in New York.

"But I’ve been thinking about the passengers on the plane. When they woke up that day they had no hint of the events that awaited them. They packed their suitcases, bade farewell to family and friends, drove to the airport, checked-in, passed through security, arrived at their gate and settled down to await boarding – all rather routine. And even as they boarded the plane, stashed their carry-ons and settled into their crowded seats, they couldn’t imagine that they’d soon find themselves standing on the wing of the plane, in the middle of a frigid river, the unwitting actors in a nationally televised drama. "

The Bishop makes a fine point. Our entire lives can change in an instant. One phone call, one conversation. Weather it be the unfortunate news that a loved one has died, or taken ill. We have all had those relationships that ended unexpectedly, and the weeks that followed were full of lonliness and despair. Sometimes it's a good change, a job promotion, or these days an offer for a job at all!! Likewise, it can all end in an instant. There's no warning when that last day will be.

I've watched this concept hit home this week as a very dear friend of mine recieved the suprise news that his mother was in the hospital. In one phone call, his entire day was turned upside down, and with her health now in a precarious situation, he lives each day with this added burden.

It made me stop and think...think about life. I thought back to a quote Mary Alice once said on Desperate Housewives...

"Yes, each new day in suburbia brings with it a new set of lies. The worst are the ones we tell ourselves right before we fall asleep. We whisper them in the dark, telling ourselves we're happy, or that he's happy. That we can change, or that he will change his mind. We persuade ourselves that we can live with our sins, or that we can live without him. Yes, each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves in a desperate, desperate hope that come morning -- it will all be true."

Is this what life really becomes? We lie to ourselves deep down inside everyday and tell ourselves we are good people, tell ourselves that we are happy, etc etc, and then one day when we do not wake up, we return to our maker an unfinished work? A Failure?

I don't think Mary Alice quite has it right. Indeed we do in many ways Lie to ourselves. That however is our basic inability as humans to view our own lives from an objective standpoint. We must however be very careful about that, because as the Bishop points out - we never know what may happen next. We never know when illness will strike, or some change in our lives will force us to turn our attention elsewhere, or even our own death.

I once heard the saying, "You cant live your life with one foot in the past and one foot in the future because then you shit on the present." Naturally we have to have some direction in our lives, goals, dreams, aspirations. Naturally also we must learn from our past, the good and the bad equally. However we must live in the present because that's all we know we really have. Did you ever think about what if that ended? What if you died today? How would you fall in the record of history? What would your obituary say? Some would call this depressing, but I call it realistic. Any one of us could go at any time...so are you where you want to be? Would your O-bid say what you would want it to? I thought about it today, and given my mildly gloomy mood today my response to myself was a bit depressing.

"David Martins died today from an unknown cause. He is survived by a family of two brothers and one sister to whom he was estranged, and parents to whom he didn't speak. He was a bartender. There will be no funeral, as he was a homosexual. Burial will be determined at a later date once funds are allocated for it."

Certainly overdramatic, but in a way it makes me think. It makes me think about where my life is. About what impact my life has had on others. The basic drive of humanity is to reproduce, to find a spouse, to buy a home, and raise a family. At this point in my life these things are very far from happening.

What DO I want my obituary to read? I don't really know. Essentially I don't care what goes down in black and white, but I do care very much about what people will think of me. Will I be remembered as a good person? As a giving person? As a loving person? Would I be missed by those who I love? Do the people that I love know that I love them?

Life is full of unexpected changes each and everyday. We never know when something will come along and our situation will change...or even end. Therefore I think it would be prudent to do our best not to lie to ourselves about where we are in life. Each night when we lie down our heads to sleep we should do so knowing that in full and total truth, our loved ones know they are loved, our conflicts are resolved, and that day we did our best to make a difference and to move forward to our hopes and dreams. The truth of the matter is we only get one shot at this, and we have to do our best to get it right.