The Closet of Despair

Today traditionally is "Spy Wednesday", which commemorates the day that Judas Iscariot plotted with the Chief Priests to betray Jesus. We all know the story of how Judas, bribed by 30 pieces of silver, arranged ahead of time with the chief priests that he would kiss Jesus in the Garden, and thats how the gaurds would know it was Him that they were to arrest. When Judas learned of Jesus' fate, he was so distraught he killed himself. Dante found his sin so horrific that in his great work "The Inferno" he places Judas in the very center of hell, being tortured for eternity by Satan himself....a result of a sin so evil that even God could not forgive it.

When Judas is first introduced in the bible, and the author lists the names of all the Apostles, after Judas' name he includes the tag line, "the one who would betray him." (Just in case "Judas Iscariot" wasn't clear enough.) Every image the Last Supper shows in front of him that bag of silver coins. History did not give Judas a very good wrap.

To play devil's advocate, Judas was so horrified over his actions, he turned in despair to suicide, unable to carry the burden of what he had done. Certainly we can all relate. We have all, somewhere along the line, carried a burden of some kind. Something we did wrong, something we knew, something that we needed to get off our chest.

Sometimes its not even anything "bad". Any of my readers who are members of the Gay community can certainly relate, there is always that one person that you dread telling. Yesterday someone very important to me "came out" to his mother, and I am so proud of him, words cannot express. For him it was burden, to have this aspect of his life shielded from her, so he reached deep down inside and sat her down and told her the truth.

I remember when I was in College and I sat my best friend down and told him that I was gay...I was petrified at what the outcome would be. He said to me, "David, you've always been gay, the only difference is now I know. Why should that change anything, you're the same person.." I remember when I was in Seminary, it felt at times like everyone was bearing somebody else's secret. I remember along the way thinking, or even flat out telling people - "I would never do it myself, but I can understand why people commit suicide."

Not everyone is lucky enough to have the loving mother, who loves her son just the same when she finds out he's gay. Not everyone has someone to turn to when they are unemployed, and the bills are due, and the economy is a disaster with no hopes of getting any better. We all have had moments of despair, but we've all been lucky enough to have people there to lean on...and there have been those moments when we were the ones who they leaned on.

Being trapped in this closet of despair doesn't always result in suicide. Sometimes it results in forms of mild depression, and depending on your personality, it can be tough to kick. As a bartender, its my job to always be in a good mood. It's definately a challange to slap on that happy face when I'm not feeling it on the inside. I've had those slumps through the years where my personal life was falling apart, the bills were mounting, the bar was slow, and everything was seemingly conspiring against me, and then the car died...the icing on the cake...Thank God I have always had people I could turn to.

If Judas had turned to the other Apostles for a shoulder to cry on would they have been there for him? Would they have forgiven him? Peter later denies even knowing Jesus so as to not get drawn into any sort of legal trouble, and later laments, and Jesus forgives him. Peter and Judas are two sides of the same coin, the coin of betrayal. The difference is Judas thinks he has no where to turn, and he kills himself, while Peter emerges from the story a hero. In fact, when Jesus rises from the dead He finds the Apostles gathered in hiding - together - all feeling guilty for abandoning Jesus, and mourning His death. They had turned to eachother.

Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here. In those moments when we find ourselves in the closet of despair we have to be more willing to share that burden with others, partners, lover, friends, whoever it may be in each of our lives. And when we recieve the honor of being that person for someone else, we should listen with compassion. When someone seeks our forgiveness, maybe no matter how difficult it is to do, we should offer it....because someday it may be us who needs the forgiveness.