There is none of us Im sure who have never been to a Wedding. When I was in Seminary I had a priest friend who used to say he'd rather do a thousand funerals then one wedding, because the from the church side of things, a wedding is challenging. The bride is all excited because it is her day. Thousands of dollars have been sunk into this one massive event, the biggest day of her life, and she wants everything to be just perfect. There is only one problem with all of that...what about the groom?
I always felt that the groom was a bit shorted in the Church's wedding ritual. At a wedding there is no entrance procession. The priest does not approach the altar as at a regular Mass. Rather, the Bride and her party approach, and is greeted by the Groom and Priest at the foot of the altar. Today I read an article with which I couldnt agree more...why doesn't the bride process in, AND the groom process in after (or before) her. You see in a Wedding, the priest does not confer the sacrament on the couple, he is simply the witness who stands in the name of the Church and the State to testify to the union. The ministers of the sacrament of matrimony are in fact the bride and groom, who are conferring the sacrament on one another. The ritual clearly states, they enter into this sacrament freely, as two individuals, and on that day the two become one.
The focus that we have placed on the bride is enormous. How lovely she looks in her gown, etc etc. The bride is the center of the event. I remember standing in the Sacristy (the back room where the priest gets vested before Mass), when I was in seminary and chit chatting with one of the grooms (as I commonly did). I carried on the usual banter with him, asking if he was nervous, how was the bachelor party, etc etc. This one particular groom responded, "Im not nervous about anything, shes the one who should be worried. All eyes are on her not me."
Weddings have become more about the bride and "her day" then about the couple and their new life. The liturgy only encourages it. This is not to say that the bride should recieve less focus, but rather to say that the groom deserves more, as it is just as much of an event in his life as it is in hers. The article also suggested that rather then repeating the vows after the priest they instead should memorize them, so that when they share them, they have reflected on the words, and are well aware of what they are saying. Perhaps then they will be more inspired to live the vows they profess.
Those vows are not easy. They imply so many more things then they say. The most powerful of which, in my opinion are the last few words, which I have always found so moving; "I will love you and honor you, all the days of my life." Those words alone, sum up in one sentence everything that the rest of them say. "All the days of my life". That means the good days and the bad days. That means through all the downfalls and challanges. That means despite the other's weaknesses and failures. It's easy to love a man when he looks handsome in his tuxedo, or a woman when she looks like a princess in her sparkling white gown...but will you love them when you are 50 and the signs of the years are wearing on their face. Will you love them when you look at them and see the real them.
Since most of my friends are either priests or gay men, I dont have a close relationship with many married people, but I do want to publicly say that two couples with whom I am close realy nailed this whole Marriage thing. On one of my best friend's Wedding day I had the pleasure of being involved in the ceremony. I remember standing at the foot of the altar as Jenn came down the isle and her husband Bill saw her coming. I remember being floored by the look in his eyes. You could just tell when they looked at one another they saw the limitless future of possibilities that each one held for the other. My friends Rick and Marie are husband and wife, but more importantly, I dont know two people who are closer friends.
Thats what love is, or I should say, that's when you know love is real. When you look at your partner and see beyond the physical and see...them. When you see their weaknesses, their insecurities, their addictions, their areas in need of improvement, and their downfalls...and yet you still love them just as much (if not more)...that's love. The same is true in any relationship that involves love. I know the people in my life who truely love me. I know that love is deep because they see the raw, flawed, weak David Martins. . . and love me anyways.
That is when the love will stand through the toughest times, and the darkest nights. That is when criticisms go from being potentials for fights, to expressions of love and concern. That is when the "I'm sorry"s change into action. That's when the roadblocks and challanges in life turn into opportunities to work together, as a team, to become a stronger team. That is when we realize that each and everything that we do is an attempt to make our partner all that they can be, hence making us a stronger team.
That's why the Sacrament of marriage is the only one that the priest does not confer on you, but rather the couple confers on one another. In all the other Sacraments, the priest is doing something that is going to help the recipient get to Heaven. In Marriage, each partner is doing something to help the other partner get to heaven. One partner in fact gives his/her LIFE to helping the other get to heaven. Thats what a relationship is. That's what love is. Getting to Heaven is the ultimate fulfillment of what a Christian person can be. Therefore, when we love someone we do everything we can to help them be everything they can possibly be, the best they can be. Weather it be helping them improve on themselves, standing by them in times of trouble, or being patient with them in times of difficulty.
Love isn't easy. It's actually a very difficult choice. It's a choice because it's an action, and no action happens without choosing to do it. The couple chooses to stand in this union "as long as we both shall live". The people in my life who love me, who truely love me, always will...because they have decieded that the love they feel for me is so strong, that they will anchor themselves in it so that when the winds of difficulty come, they will not blow away.
I am forever greatful for those few people who truely love me. Not just the husband/wife kind of love either. Whatever kind of love we are talking about, we are all very fortunate to have love of any kind in our lives. It is my hope that we will all always have the strength to stand by that love. For various reasons the last few days I have come to see how deeply I am loved by different people and in different ways. Some who have been in my life since my Seminary days, some who have come along since, some whose love has changed types along the way but the love remains. So to those of you who know me best, and yet despite that love me just the same...I love you too.
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