Answering the Call

The recent birth of my blog has drawn a number of readers so far, and also a number of questions, the primary one being about my involvement in the Seminary. So I thought I would share a bit about that. To understand why I left it may be best to start with why I entered.

I grew up in Tiverton RI, a small town where it doesn't take much scandel to launch excitement. I certainly was not the most popular kid in my class, and considered my self grateful for the small gaggle of friends I did manage to have. Growing up in a big house on a busy street, with no kids around I spent alot of my free time alone. Playing with GI Joe action figures, drawing, or playing alone. I had a very active imagination, and never felt lonely.

Upon entering High School we were quite the lot. There was myself, dorky, glasses, generic clothes, no athletic talent, and a very creative side. And my small group of friends were considered quite "cool". They were all members of other cliques as well which sat in various places on the Teenage social ladder. At this time a new priest was assigned to my home parish. Father Bert Richman. He was an amazing man. One of the smartest people Ive ever met, and a wonderful and happy priest. I spent a large part of my free time with him, helping around the parish.

I always was curious about the life of a priest. There was something about his position on the alter that always intruiged me. As I got to know the dialy life of a priest I decieded that this was a direction I wanted to move in. Being someone who rarely felt as though I fit in, at Church I always felt like I fit in, and as my leadership role at the parish grew not only did I fit in...I was "cool" in that environment.

Upon graduating from High School I started the Seminary program, and with it, a long process of looking inside. The Priestly Formation program placed the candidate in a fishbowl. Every aspect of his life is evaluated by superiors to try to determine if in fact God was "Calling you" to His Priesthood. The more I looked in the more I started to feel that He was. There were many roadblocks. Some of which were a result of my own immaturity, others by the nature of a Beurocratic system that exsisted out of neccessity. When times were tough trusted priest friends advised me with their Spirituality of suffering. The more we suffer for the Lord, the more we share in His sacrifice of the cross. I began intiate friendships, some of which remain today, and lived a celibate life. The further I went in college, the more I began to feel that this road to the priesthood was more of a fight then a journey.

Grad school came in 2003, and I was assigned to the last place in the world I wanted to go, and by now the roadblocks were seemingly so many. Between my Senior year and the begining of grad school my drive for celibacy weakened. The tug of my homosexuality began to get harder and harder, but all the while when sitting in chapel...I still felt like I belonged. My one year of grad school was an academic success, but the formation roadblocks became insurmountable. The caddy political nonsense became worse, and my passion for the priesthood began to turn into a hatred for the formation system. All the while however the fulfillment I was feeling was in my work at the parish. My role as a Spiritual leader meant alot to me, as did the difference I was making in thier lives and the life of the Parish.

By the end of that academic year I went to my assignment in Omaha NE for the summer. My heart was starting to leave seminary, and my mind started to wonder what else was out there. All my friends were either priests or seminarians, and every single aspect of my life, every conversation, everything was all rooted in my studies for the priesthood. I wanted out.

While in Omaha I found my way to a local gay bar, and began to develop a relationship with the bartender...and his friends. I intentionally kept the truth from them, including my name. The gift those guys gave me was one they will never know. For the first time I was socializing with friends who had nothing to do with the seminary or the priesthood. We were having conversations about sports, politics, "gay gossip", or other secular topics. I also started to really fall for the bartender, with whom I was now spending all of my time, and who by now finally knew the truth. I finally decieded that I was going to for certain leave the seminary. The Seminary faculty began poking around a bit, curious as to why I was never around. The speculation was limitless, as it typically went in seminary. It seemed that everyone was guilty until proven innoccent. When I informed the rector in Omaha that I intended to leave once returning home, my stay in Omaha was brought to a hault, and a flight was booked for me two days later to return home.

After being dropped off at the airport to come home to Providence, I met the Bartender at the airport cafe for breakfast before leaving. The goodbye was emotional for me, as he would never know (nor did I realize then), the gift that he gave me while I was there. I came home scared. I had to face the dissappointment of priest friends, seminary friends, an entire parish, my family, and anyone else who had either been supporting me along the way, or who's life I had touched.

Was God calling me to the Priesthood? I think He was. I think that I made a choice to leave because of a severly flawed system. I shouldn't have entered at 18, I needed to live life a little bit. Today that dream of serving the Church as a priest is a distant memory. The nostalgia gets to me when Im at Church, and to some degree I suppose it always will. The fulfillment I got in the parish is certainly missing now, and it has been difficult to figure out a way to fill it.

What other effects are left over from this experience? I grew up alot. I learned alot about myself. I developed a spiritual side that I treasure today, and that I often tend to turn to in times of loneliness, or sadness. The challange I feel before me now is how to bring all of this to the world, and to my life in general. My friends have often commented that I am a very "unique" friend...I think that these experiences contribute to that.

I will always love the Church and my God, I will until the day I die...at which time I pray the Lord will welcome me into His arms. For all of us life is a Journey. Everyday we make choices that will effect the rest of our lives, whether we realize it or not. These choices, woven together, are what create the tapestry that is our lives. All of us, on the last day, will have our own unique tapestry, each with it's own unique personal value. That's why we stress about the big choices in life, that's why we fight with things like regret, and passion, and love...because we want to hold a tapestry that is of great value. Pray God, each and every one of us will!!