I Still Can't Dance

This weekend's Pride celebrations are over, and they leave me feeling quite reflective. Although I worked the entire weekend, on Sunday late afternoon, the boyfriend, myself, and my best friend hit the town for our own personal Pride celebration. The evening ended with us dancing at the Mirabar. The club was far from packed, and there was no rainbow glitter falling from the rafters, and the general spirit of Pride had more or less dissipated, but I still felt it, because I was there with the two people who matter most in my life.

My best friend turned to me as we were dancing and he said, "how many years have we been friends?" I replied, four. To which he responded, "four years, and you still cant dance!" I laughed heartily and thought about it. Indeed for the last four years he has commented on my proven inability to dance. It doesn't appear to be changing anytime soon.

On Monday Joshua and I headed out to Bliss Dairy, a small restaurant in Attleboro which is much like Newport Creamery. We were talking on the way about how they used to serve Ice Cream Sundaes in miniature Baseball helmets. As my excitement built about this Helmet Sundae, I was then informed they no longer sold them. In fact, upon getting there, much of the place had changed, including the quality of their food.

Some things change, and some things change the same. Over the years there will always be those places and things that we look back on with a smile, but when we try to revisit them, they aren't the same anymore. They have changed. Sometimes they haven't changed at all, but rather we have, so our experience of them is different.

It made me think of myself. I spoke in my last entry about Pride being a celebration of ourselves as individuals. What was I celebrating? As we danced on Sunday night I thought about it a lot... What have I done to make me feel Proud? Certainly we are all unhappy with some parts of our lives, and we work everyday to improve those areas. I realized I am proud, proud of who I am, what Ive accomplished, the peoples lives Ive touched, the experiences I've had, and the man that I've become. I'm thankful for the people who have been with me along the way, the people who have encouraged me to improve, and the people who have challenged me when I've needed it.

I still can't dance, and I am sure I never will. . . and that's ok. That's what made that moment so endearing, that after four years of friendship we can still laugh about that flaw which he identified in me the moment we first met.

Last night I stopped off at Kareoke on my way home, and my friend sang the Lighthouse song "Hanging by a Moment". The song is about a person who recognizses in himself that he is missing something, and he has found it in a relationship. "I'm desperate for changing, Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started, chasing after you. I'm falling even more in love with you, Letting go of all i've held onto. I'm standing here until you make me move, I'm hanging by a moment here with you." He finds fulfillment in the approval he gets from this other person. This other person, this love, has challanged him. . . and his ability to respond to that challange and become a better person makes him justifiably proud.

That's what love is. Love inspires us to change, and to grow. I still can't dance, but important people in my life have helped me to change in so many other ways. As I danced Sunday night I thought about how these two men have helped me to change and grow. . . in ways they may never know. So many people through the years will never have any clue how they may have helped me grow. How they helped me see the need to be more responsible, to be more dedicated, to look at myself from the outside, instead of viewing the world through my personal filter.

As Pride weekend begins to slide into the background, and all that remains are the pictures, the hangovers, and the empty cheaking accounts, I look forward to the coming year. I look forward to the many ways I hope to continue to grow and flourish. I look forward to next Pride when I feebily attempt to dance, and am reminded of all the good things that haven't changed, and all the things that have. All the improvements that will come, and the challanges I will have faced.

"There's nothing else to lose. Nothing else to find. There's nothing in the world, that can change my mind. There is nothing else . . . I'm falling even more in love with you, letting go of all I've held onto. I'm standing here until you make me move. I'm hanging by a moment here with you"

The singer has found fulfillment in this relationship, and proudly declares that he isnt going anywhere unless he is told to. I make the same decleration. Those friendships that have stood strong in the test of time. . . I'm not going anywhere. The lover who affirms, challanges, loves, and adores me. . . I'm not going anywhere. I look forward to the joy that lies ahead in all these relationships, and the many ways that they will help me grow. I hope that every Pride for many countless years to come, we will be able to have a cocktail together while laughing about how I still can't dance.